don’t be so hard on yourself

I dropped a class yesterday. It was an assembly level computer programming class filled with 87% males, all with a comprehensive background in computer science (okay maybe not all, but definitely the majority). I hated it. No matter how hard I tried, I never understood anything that was going on. I dreaded the class every single day. So I decided to drop it. Big deal, right? For me, it was. (I almost had to have a friend click the “drop” button for me)

I thought it meant that I had failed. I was giving up. And I am not a quitter. I was disappointing Sheryl Sandberg and all other powerful, successful women. I was letting down my high school AP Physics teacher who had once told me that I was “representing all of womankind” (which is a lot of pressure to put on a young 18 year old who still didn’t really understand the concept of eyeliner!).

Even with this weight lifted off of my shoulders, there is still a pit in my stomach.

For many reasons, I hold myself to high standards. A wonderful thing most of the time, but in cases like this, is not healthy. Staying in that class would not have been the right decision. I am plenty involved, I have a job on campus, and my other 3 classes are hard. I really don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

When I posted this photo on instagram, I captioned it with a very Renée, ridiculously cheesy comment on how there is beauty even in the dirty parts of winter. The same kind of sentiment is relevant today. Taking time for myself, cutting myself some slack might seem ugly from the outside. It might feel like a failure, like I am not living my life to the best of my abilities. But there is something lovely about it. I deserve to take a break. I deserve to not always be perfect.

This also applies to you too, my dear reader, sorry today was more of a letter to myself. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Even so, you too shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
I think you’re grand.

xoxo,

Renée