Author: renee0303

At Northwestern, every year new students go through a series of programs [Essential NUs] to help guide them through all the new experiences that come along with being in college. Tonight, my group went through the Diversity and Inclusion program. The most impactful aspect of this, is the interactive part. The speaker reads aloud various statements about identity (pertaining to race, religion, gender, sexuality, family background, etc.). If members of the audience feel as though the statement is reflective of who they are, they stand. The purpose of the activity is to create a sense of community among the members of the freshmen class.

During the breakout sessions, students are given a card that reads “respect my ______.” The blank is left for them to fill out.

Doing this activity with the new students, it reminded me of what I had written on my card exactly a year ago. Well I suppose it didn’t remind me well enough because I can’t remember the word I wrote, but I know the sentiment is the same this year. Today I wrote out “respect my sweetness.” Maybe sweetness isn’t the right word to encompass everything I wished to put. If I could have endless words I might have written out: “respect my voice, my laughs, my smile, my humor, my puns, my sensitivity, my heart, my kindness….” You see, it’s not always easy studying engineering, surrounded by mostly males, and frankly quite analytical people. I don’t want to stereotype all engineers and put them into a box, but let’s be honest. The school of engineering and applied sciences is just not the same as the school of communication (neither being better than the other). People wouldn’t assume, based on who I am generally, that I love math. It’s hard to be taken seriously because I love One Direction and baking cookies.

But today, I am writing this because I am happy + confident in who I am. I may be sweet and giggle a lot, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t also be strong and smart. I am not confined to any stereotypes that the world creates or assumptions people will make. And so I will continue to love chocolate and cry during rom coms. I might (ha I will for sure) laugh too loudly at puns. And then on Monday morning I will go to class and math (it’s a verb, right? #wordsarehard) like there is no tomorrow.

All I’m asking is that you respect my sweetness and I will respect every itty bit of you.

“Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things.” ~Zoey Deschanel

It’s Monday, September 7th at midnight and I am overwhelmed.

A week ago I was sitting on the couch watching Bachelor in Paradise, iced lemon water in hand, not a care in the world. Today I am sitting on the futon of a girl’s apartment, whom I met today, unable to sleep because of the million thoughts racing through my mind.

I just finished my first day (more like half day) of peer adviser training (training to prepare me to help guide a group of freshman through our Wildcat Welcome aka orientation and their first year). It was exciting to be surrounded by some of my absolute favorite people here at Northwestern. However, the AC was broken and it felt more like a hot yoga class than anything. It was long, we got our schedules and all sorts of other info thrown at us. Yepp, you could say that was overwhelming.

But that is not what’s getting to me the most. I’m nervous. What if I’m not a good enough PA? What if I can’t answer their questions? What if they don’t like me? What if something goes wrong? What if, what if, what if.

Now, I’m not writing this just to hear the opposite. I’m not fishing for the “oh, please. Renee, you’ll be fine.” No. I promised real and real is what you’re getting. Sorry (not actually sorry).

So now I have to remind myself of what I told one of my new students. He was writing to me, worried about the huge transition ahead of him, a transition that I personally loved (one of the reasons why I wanted to become a PA). This is an adventure. Whether I mess up or I’m awkward at first, I’m doing something new. Being a leader isn’t exactly what I would classify as “in my zone of comfort.” But hey, I love adventures and this is one.

New students get ready, because you are about to embark on the adventure of a lifetime, and I am right there with you. #letsdothis

^^^^ my motto for this week + next (:

When Rachel was moving out of apartment 20, Monica cried “it’s the end of an era!” Something was changing and it was gigantic.

My older sister, Olivia, graduated from college this year, has moved into a new apartment, and spent the summer in Chicago. It is, the end of an era, so to speak.

You see, Olivia is my best friend. Yes there are other people in my life who are “best friends.” Lovely people I met this year who changed my life for the better, high school friends who got me through, but no one has stayed by my side like her. She’s been there for me through thick and thin, making me laugh and smile all the way. She was my rock when I was terrified of going to 1st grade every day, she never failed to include me whenever she brought friends over, and when it was time for me to go off to college myself, I followed in her footsteps to Northwestern (“Whaaaat wasn’t that weird going to the same school as your sister?!” Nope, no, nyet, non, not at all. In fact, it’s what made my freshman year amazing).

And like Rachel was in denial for most of episode 6, season 6 of FRIENDS, I am too. I still can’t believe that my big sis is done with college, she has joined the working force, and she didn’t even come home for the summer. But if I think too much about it, I’ll probably start crying.

While I may be suffering from this serious case of denial, I am so excited for her. You see, I have no doubt that she will be incredibly successful in her life. And I know this because I know my sister. Olivia is one of the most wonderful people that you will meet in your entire life.

She is warm and kind, the best friend one could ask for. She is smart and funny, always able to make me smile (even when I really don’t feel like it). She is hardworking, determined, bright, I could go on forever.

Throughout my entire life, she has always been my biggest role model. Especially in my young, impressionable years (aka middle school). I was hiding my awkward self behind a wall of insecurity, Olivia, on the other hand, was completely and utterly herself. No matter what. She has a confidence about her and you just know that she knows who she is and will not change that for anyone. I have always admired that special quality she has.

So, Olivia, no matter what you do or where you go (even if it means leaving me), know that I love you and I am always on your side. 

Be your own friend. Simple as that.

Maybe you’ve heard it before, but I’m going to tell you again. Love yourself. #treatyoself like you would treat your very best friend.

Alright, now that I’ve said all that, I have to admit something to you. This is the most hypocritical post I will likely write  (hey, no promises… nobody’s perfect). But, in my first post, I promised real life, and real life is what I’m giving you.

I worked at a summer day camp this year. That meant, I was with kiddos 8-9 hours/5 days a week, which was exhausting, but incredibly rewarding and enlightening too. On a particularly warm July day, we were doing self portraits in art camp. Naturally, I decided to draw one alongside the kids. Note: (get ready, I am about to sound like every single teacher you’ve ever had) I am not an artist. I like to draw stick figures and I love to color pictures and doodle. But I am not the most gifted in making anything realistic looking. Oops (I’ll stick to the math problems ha ha). Anyhoo, while we were drawing away, the kids kept on making comments like “mine stinks”, “ugh, I’m the worst”, “mine doesn’t look right at all!!”.. you get the picture. I was so upset! They were 8 years old! Of course these would be no Van Goghs. So I told them with a smile: “don’t be so negative, it’s all a work in progress and art is about creating not perfecting.”

Well… not 30 seconds later does a little girl ask to see mine. Without thinking, I quite quickly responded, “ohh no, mine’s not very good.” !!!!!! The other counselor in the room just looked at me, a smile in her eyes, knowing exactly what had just happened. I was such a hypocrite.

For some reason, it is so easy for us to compliment others, to give them advice (you deserve better, you can do it, etc.), but when it comes to ourselves, it is SO much easier to be negative. Which is a horribly destructive way to live your life. Confidence is ~key~ something that is impossible when there is a little voice in your brain critiquing every move you make. And even though I don’t have the secret “10 Steps to Be a Better Friend to Yourself” I do know this: You do deserve better. You can do it. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are cherished.

So please try, and I’m trying too, to be your own friend and always remember to #TreatYoSelf. word.

Yesterday, I hiked a fourteener with a dear high school friend, Sara. Colorado is filled with them, mountains that summit 14,000 ft above sea level. It’s a thing that you must do if you dare consider yourself a Coloradan and after reaching the summit, I knew exactly why. It didn’t happen until that point though, let me tell you. The hike on the way up, well, sucked. These hikes take place mostly above the tree line, there is no shade, little foliage, lots of rocks, and very very little oxygen. I had to drag myself up that mountain, gasping for air with every step.

But then, a magical thing happened. After false summits, many a water break, and thinking “dear Lord in Heaven, please please please give me strength to make it up this because it is most definitely not going to happen on my own (or maybe send me one of those big birds from Lord of the Rings..?)”, we reached the peak. And we could see for miles on end. In that moment, I knew exactly why instagram is filled with photos of happy hikers holding up signs reading “Mount [insert 14er here] 14, …”. It is a jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring kind of beauty. There is truly no place like Colorado.

I could attempt to put it all into words, but as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words (and you probably don’t want to read thousands of words about how much I love my state). So pictures it is!

Can I just appreciate the view from the car? Apparently not…

A lovely friend + and lovely view

Because you didn’t make it to the top if it doesn’t go on snapchat

A wee little bit squinty, but one does not do something adventurous without being just a bit sratty @kkg

Alright, that’s all for now. Thank you Colorado for a wonderful day, never stop being you.