life – confetti kindness

losing my mojo

At the start of summer (aka two weeks ago, shout out to the quarter system), I decided to set some goals and intentions, things I wanted to focus on for the next three months. Summer should be fun and relaxing, obviously, but I also didn’t want to spend all my free time catching up on all the shows I neglected during the school year or binge watching new ones (I’ve already watched an entire season of the Great British Baking Show in 2 days so this was necessary). One of those goals was to work on my blog. I realized that I have not posted or even thought about it much in months. Which is sad and shocking because it was once something that filled me with so much joy and was also great problem set procrastination.

I tried to figure out how I got here and I think it comes down to the fact that throughout this past year, I lost a lot of my self-confidence.

In the fall, I was rejected from a position that, if I’m being honest, I 100% thought I would get. Not to sound cocky, but I simply never imagined this situation happening. I had wanted this since my second week on campus and I was perfectly qualified. I spent hours on my application, writing and re-writing it a million times. I felt ready for my interview, put on my favorite skirt and went in with hands shaking and a smile on my face.
I will never forget how deeply my heart sank as I looked at my phone screen and read the words “I’m sorry to inform you that we are not able to offer you a position…”

Then, in the span of a few weeks, I was turned away from a student group in which I have many friends, some of whom are even on exec. I wasn’t feeling fulfilled in my classes. I attempted the process of consulting recruitment… with little success when I realized that it was just not for me. To top it all off, the boy I liked turned out to be, well, not straight. (oops)

So, you could say, I was feeling defeated. Being the type of person that I am; however, I tried not to let it get to me. I pushed through, saying I was fine, continuing my 100 Days of Happy challenge, and going through the motions. Today, I can see clearly that every failure was just a shift in a different, better direction… a little blessing in disguise.

But through it all, I lost my mojo, for lack of a better phrase. And it manifested itself in how I felt about my blog. I religiously follow a wide variety of bloggers and the more I looked at their content, the more I felt as though the words I wrote were meaningless. With blogging becoming trendier and Instagram celebrities filling my newsfeed, I began to wonder what the point of it was. And so, eventually, I stopped blogging. I felt a lack of inspiration and lost sight of why I even started this little thing.

That is, until I was talking to one of my best friends, Sarah, and she suggested I start writing again. I went back and reread the very first post I ever wrote and remembered exactly why… to make myself happy and spread that happiness. I liked writing about happy things and when I did, it filled me with joy and I hoped to share that with others.

So here we are. With a fully refurbished site (I can never stick with one design for too long, but I’m thinking this one will last) and a renewed energy to post and to do it for myself. It’s a little bit of self care and everyone can use more of that.

Maybe you’re in a similar situation. Maybe you didn’t get your dream internship, you got your heart broken, or you’re just lacking a bit of self confidence. I feel you. Don’t you dare let it stop you from doing what you want, no matter what others will think because you deserve every bit of happiness.

xoxo

one year

Happy first birthday to confetti kindness!

I cannot believe how quickly this year has gone by and, oh my, what a year it’s been.

This year has been a roller coaster ride, filled with ups and downs, new friendships, new opportunities, and a little bit less sleep. It was a hard year that I am undoubtedly thankful for. I grew more in the past 12 months and learned more about myself than I ever have.

A bit of that, has come from blogging and most of it is due to the people in my life who pushed, supported, and loved me.

So today, on this special day, I simply want to express a bit of gratitude to all that have had quite the impact on me this year.

Thank you to the people who encouraged me when I first started this thing. I was honestly overwhelmed with joy after my first post.

Thank you to all my friends who continued to support me as the year went on. Words don’t do justice to how much I appreciate you.

Thank you to my roommates; Sarah, Liz, and Isabel, who became like family to me this year (we are sisters after all ha). You listened to me when I cried, kept my ego in check (mostly @Isabel), and were there to cheer me on no matter what. I also sing more now because of you all and I don’t really know if that’s a good thing.

Thank you to my family for literally everything. I would not be the person that I am without you.

And lastly, a HUGE thank you to every single person that has read even one word that I have written. This little hobby of mine would be nothing without you.

Keep sprinkling that kindness. I love you.

(This was corny and cheesy, but I need to stick to my brand and I am a corny and cheesy person)

spring flowers

I am so in love with this spring. If you follow me on Instagram, you may have noticed a significant increase in flower pictures and outdoorsy pics in general. I just can’t help myself. Everywhere I look, there’s something that catches my eye and I have to stop right there and photograph it… and then Instagram it, of course. Our winter was so mild, I wasn’t expecting myself to be this excited about spring, but boy am I. It’s as if I’d forgotten what multiple sunny days in a row feels like. In Colorado, the sun shines 300 days of the year. Chicago winter? Much (much) different story.

I’ve practically been floating as I walk to class… There’s something about the fresh blossoms and clear skies that fills me up with so much hope and joy. It is most definitely improving my relationship with midterm season.

Make sure to take some time to stop and smell (slash photograph) the flowers this week!

twenty

Two decades of life. Now that is wild. Two decades filled with thousands of smiles and laughs. Two decades of wonder and excitement, of love and friendship. Topped off with a most wonderful day.

Birthdays can sometimes (read: almost never) be a disappointment. There is so much excitement and anticipation and then, meh, it’s just an average day. This year was not one of those.

It began with a run at the gym and then I headed off to work. Luckily for me, I LOVE my job. You know how in middle school, if you have a crush on a boy, you say that you like like him, well, that’s kind of how I feel about my info desk job. So I happily went to the student center to spend my morning.

After work, one of my roommates, Sarah, and I went into Chicago for lunch. Oh my. My life has been changed by you, Summer House Santa Monica. It was delicious. The aesthetic of the restaurant was light and beautiful and the food was to die for.

In all honesty, if my day had ended there, I would have been content. There are few things in life better than a tasty meal with a true friend (topped off with a free giant cookie. oh yeah). And yet, it only got better. After spending time with my sister and some friends, I came back to my room to find all of my closest friends and chocolate cake. It was the most brilliant surprise. My heart was filled to the brim.

I had a meeting with my committee for NU’s Dance Marathon (blog post about that coming in hot later this week) later that night, where I was again surrounded by some amazing people. Then the night was finished off with a Skype call to my parents. The perfect end to a perfect day.

I am so thankful for the terrific humans in my life and a birthday always reminds me of that. There aren’t enough words in the English language for me to express how happy and grateful I am with the life that I have. Two decades down and I wouldn’t change a thing.

don’t be so hard on yourself

I dropped a class yesterday. It was an assembly level computer programming class filled with 87% males, all with a comprehensive background in computer science (okay maybe not all, but definitely the majority). I hated it. No matter how hard I tried, I never understood anything that was going on. I dreaded the class every single day. So I decided to drop it. Big deal, right? For me, it was. (I almost had to have a friend click the “drop” button for me)

I thought it meant that I had failed. I was giving up. And I am not a quitter. I was disappointing Sheryl Sandberg and all other powerful, successful women. I was letting down my high school AP Physics teacher who had once told me that I was “representing all of womankind” (which is a lot of pressure to put on a young 18 year old who still didn’t really understand the concept of eyeliner!).

Even with this weight lifted off of my shoulders, there is still a pit in my stomach.

For many reasons, I hold myself to high standards. A wonderful thing most of the time, but in cases like this, is not healthy. Staying in that class would not have been the right decision. I am plenty involved, I have a job on campus, and my other 3 classes are hard. I really don’t have to prove anything to anyone.

When I posted this photo on instagram, I captioned it with a very Renée, ridiculously cheesy comment on how there is beauty even in the dirty parts of winter. The same kind of sentiment is relevant today. Taking time for myself, cutting myself some slack might seem ugly from the outside. It might feel like a failure, like I am not living my life to the best of my abilities. But there is something lovely about it. I deserve to take a break. I deserve to not always be perfect.

This also applies to you too, my dear reader, sorry today was more of a letter to myself. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do. Even so, you too shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.
I think you’re grand.

xoxo,

Renée